Communication in Interpersonal Systems
By Joanie Connors
When we try to communicate, we put a piece of ourselves (energy) out there to reach others. If our message is received, we have communicated something (though not necessarily what we intended) and the recipient will usually send a piece of themselves back. This creates a reciprocal flow of energy between us that includes words, actions and nonverbal exchanges, and this flow becomes more and more complex if we decide to join together for some purpose (form a relationship, work together).
An exchange between people may ultimately be additive or subtractive, but it is extremely difficult to see all that happens in communication, even for the shortest conversations between strangers. There are hundreds of communication elements and levels of history, power, emotion and meaning that are conveyed between people, and most of it is done nonverbally.
Our messages can create, strengthen or limit our connections to others. Communication can bring destructive ends when it functions to deny the needs of any person or group or when misunderstandings make people blind to each other. Communication can also support, inform and/or heal when it values people and promotes understanding.
The goal of systems communication is not to please each other, or ourselves, but to improve the functioning of the relationship system. The overall energy, balance and flow of communication determine whether our relationship systems are healthy, chaotic or abusive.
Relationship systems are a difficult balancing act between our needs and your needs, so we frequently become confused and defensive in our communications processes. Once the goal becomes 'we', then it should become easier to ferret out the important issues at stake, and make decisions that are beyond compromise if they allow the relationship to grow in relation to the individuals involved and the community around it.
Balanced, Healthy Communication
The remedy for finding balance, health and peace in relationships is to do the work to make our communication constructive and to focus our communication to promote balance. Balanced, healthy communication requires a combination of nonviolent and positive communication techniques with respectful strategies to be honest in order to serve the ultimate goal of balancing the needs of all parties involved for their health.
The first step is to stop causing harm in our communications. To do this, we must adopt nonviolent and positive communication methods, as taught in systems such as Nonviolent Communication or Constructive Communication (linked in the box at left). I've also created a handout of guidelines for constructive communication that you are welcome to print or copy.
The second step is to learn how to really listen, which requires that we stop talking, let go of our agendas, and try to understand others we interact with. The art and practice of listening has really become lost in our "me" age of rampant individualism. One great teacher of listening is the Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh, who promotes 'Deep Listening'.
Systems Balancing Communication
Control and support must be balanced between people or the system will become unhealthy. Change feedback and stability feedback must be balanced against each other so that change is balanced against stability, and we must talk about them to achieve that balance.
Balancing these dynamics requires learning how to give respectful, honest feedback about our needs, feelings, observations and limitations. Systems theory shows us that in this complex work of interdependence, we have to give each other feedback about our functioning.
Somehow we need to be able to do that within the framework of being a team, working together towards the same goals. The art of providing honest feedback to another without power trips and judgments interfering with the usefulness of the information is the most difficult part of communication.
More guidance will be posted here in the coming time.
